


Five (minus one) Stages of Grief

by Coulsonspetwolf



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, hints of Widomauk if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-06-10 00:13:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15279321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coulsonspetwolf/pseuds/Coulsonspetwolf
Summary: Caleb is going through the five stages of grief.[SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 26]





	Five (minus one) Stages of Grief

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 26!
> 
> tags:  
> Caleb PoV, self-hatred, dealing with loss, implied self-harm, Caleb thinks a lot and barely talks, a lot of interior monologue
> 
> This is just me coping with what happened in the episode. I wrote it, so I might as well put it online. This story is basically 90 percent interior monologue. I know this is not to everybody's liking, which is totally fine. Just so you don't end up wasting your time with something that doesn't entertain you.
> 
> If you end up reading it, then thank you very much for your time. Let's stay strong until next Thursday.

**Five (minus one) Stages of Grief**

 

 

**STAGE 1: denial/isolation**

 

It was as if time stood still for just a moment as he watched Lorenzo and his people leave. They pulled their wagons further along the road, past the fallen tree trunk, unfazed, as if they hadn't just been ambushed and fought in a battle. For them, nothing had changed. The noises of footsteps and wagons were ringing loudly in his ears, even after they had vanished from his eyesight. And then there was silence.

 

He felt Nott's and Beauregard's presence next to him, but neither of them moved, for none of them seemed to be able to comprehend what had just happened. He heard a voice but he couldn't make out the words, couldn't make sense of the noises mumbled by one of his party members. For the first time in many years, his mind was blank.

 

Caleb's eyes were fixed on the body that was lying on the ground - still, unmoving, lifeless. He felt numb. He and his party members had gone down before, their unconscious bodies lying in the dirt until someone came to their rescue. This time it was different. Caleb knew it but he didn't want to believe it.

 

The purple tiefling would get up again. He would curse loudly, look at them with a coy smile and make a sarcastic comment about Beauregard's face. Then he'd look at him, a smooth innuendo on his tongue and a charming smile on his lips, and Caleb would allow himself, if for only a split second, to enjoy the advances before reminding himself that he was a terrible person and deserved to rot in hell.

 

_Mollymauk wasn't dead._

 

As soon as the word 'dead' ghosted through his brain, the world seemed to kick into motion again and Caleb came back to his senses. He saw Beauregard now, who was running at full speed to where Mollymauk's body was lying. He noticed Nott who was tugging on his left arm, holding his fist, while repeating his name over and over again, worry and sadness in her eyes. He could feel the pain from where his fingernails were digging into the flesh of his clenched fists.

 

_And Mollymauk was still not moving._

 

Caleb watched as the monk fell onto her knees next to Mollymauk and shook him while shouting his name.

 

_Mollymauk didn't move._

 

Caleb watched as Beauregard hastily pulled a healing potion out of her pouch and filled its red content into Mollymauk's mouth.

 

_Mollymauk didn't move._

 

Caleb watched as Beauregard shouted in desperation and flung the empty bottle in frustration against the trees that were next to her, where it shattered into a hundred pieces. The noise made him wince. Memories of fire, broken windows and screams tried to flood his mind but he pushed them away. “Nicht jetzt!”, he muttered angrily to himself, forcing his eyes back to Beauregard and Mollymauk, knowing the result of her action, even before the body of the purple tiefling came back into his view.

 

_Mollymauk didn't move._

 

Caleb pulled his hand away from Nott's with a start.

 

_Mollymauk was dead._

 

**STAGE 2 and 3: anger and bargaining**

 

He turned around, his fists shaking slightly next to his body, his eyes stinging. He felt like there wasn't enough air in his lungs. He tried to breathe faster, sucking in as much air as possible but it still wasn't enough. He needed to get away. He needed to be somewhere else. He needed to be alone. His feet started moving.

 

“Caleb, are you okay? Where are you going? We shouldn't split up...”, Nott called after him. He could hear her footsteps in an attempt to follow him.

 

“I've gotta take a piss.”, he lied, pressing out the air between his teeth, trying to sound casual and calm, while he still had the feeling that he was drowning. He needed to leave.

 

“But Caleb...”, she spoke up again and that was all it needed for him to snap.

 

He felt his emotions taking charge, making him spin around like a mad man. He wanted to hurt, he wanted to kill, he wanted Lorenzo burning to ashes, shouting and screaming. Caleb's vision blurred for a split second. He could see him. He could see him ramming his glaive into Mollymauk's chest. He could see it clearly, He could see the pain in his friend's eyes, the fear of dying, the defiance. He could see how all of these emotions slowly disappeared from Mollymauk's face until his eyes were just staring up at him, lifeless, dead. He had seen these expressions many times in people's faces. It was easy for his brain to project these onto Mollymauk's features even though Caleb hadn't seen any of this. Because he had been hiding behind a bush, like a coward.

 

He furiously turned around, his vision seemingly clouded by a red fog: “LEAVE ME ALONE, NOTT!”A small fireball erupted from his right hand and missed the goblin only by inches.

 

Caleb blinked in shock and turned on his heels, dashing away, deeper into the forest.

 

***~*~***

 

“You're an idiot! You're a fool! You should have left last night! You ruin everything you touch, you dumb piece of shit.”

 

Caleb muttered angrily to himself while his feet carried him further away from his party members, from Beauregard and Nott and Mollymauk's dead body. He stopped when his brain tormented him again with the image of Mollymauk, staring up at him, disgust in his face.

 

He placed his right hand against a tree and leaned his forehead against the trunk, using its cool surface to calm his mind. However, it didn't work. His mind was racing. He was replaying the scene in his head again and again, trying to find the problem, trying to find a solution, even though he knew that it was too late.

 

“If you were a better wizard, you'd have hit all of them with the slow spell.” He mumbled to himself, forcing his eyes shut in frustration and slightly banging his head against the tree.

 

It was true. He knew that. His party trusted him to have their back and obviously he failed them. It was what he did best. Like he failed Yasha and Fjord and Jester before. His silver thread should have warned him. They wouldn't have been outnumbered if the rest of the party had been there. Molly wouldn't have had to get so close to the enemies to protect his useless ass.

 

Caleb was very perceptive. Of course he had noticed that Molly had been very focussed on shielding him in the past battles. Probably because he knew that Caleb was the weakest link.

 

Why was he so weak? Why couldn't he achieve more? He had worked so hard but it still wasn't enough. Why the fuck did Molly think it was a good idea to shield him with his body?

 

Another burst of fire erupted from his hand, more powerful this time. It caught him off guard and burnt his face. With a painful yelp he pushed himself away from the now burning tree. He looked at his hand, clenching and unclenching it. There was so much anger inside of him. So much disappointment. So much rage. So much sadness.

He focussed his emotions, trying to control the arcane power within him. When he opened his fist, a fireball appeared in his hand, reminding him why he was scared of fire, reminding him of his past and now, also, reminding him of Mollymauk and the fact that he was dead because of him, because he hadn't been strong enough.

 

With an angry cry he released the fireball, setting another tree on fire, imagining the faces of Trent and Lorenzo. It wasn't enough. It just wasn't enough. He wasn't enough.

 

He fell down onto his knees, sad and exhausted and just so tired. He wished Yasha was here and then immediately pushed that thought away. ' _Yasha will be devastated that her best friend died.'_ Caleb felt so guilty.

 

“You should have left last night. Like you said. You should have left.”, he muttered to himself again, his voice monotonous. He was so used to talking to himself. He had been so lonely for so long.

“If you had left them, they wouldn't have tried to attack. They'd have been outnumbered and Molly would still be alive. Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you leave, you fool?”

 

**STAGE 4: Depression**

 

Yeah, why didn't he leave? He didn't understand, he just couldn't wrap his brain around it. Nott always said that he was smart but he couldn't even figure out why he was still here. Why didn't he leave the group? Why didn't he leave Nott behind, too? Why did he care so much about the disappearance of three random people that he had only met some weeks ago?

 

He didn't understand. He didn't understand why he went into battle with these people. They are all assholes, all of them. And he was probably the biggest of them all. And yet... here he was, still and Molly... well.... Molly wasn't anymore. He lost him.

 

The realization hit him suddenly and his eyes started to sting again. Caleb remembered dancing with Jester, he remembered Yasha giving him advice and shaving him with her greatsword, he remembered the hospital heist with Fjord, Molly and Nott, he remembered the conversation he had with Beauregard not that long ago. He remembered all of them sharing drinks and laughing.

He had found himself a family, people he loved and cared about and that without even noticing. They might be a bunch of assholes but they were his assholes, so to speak. And now Molly was...

 

Caleb didn't want to think about Molly anymore because it hurt. He just wanted to pass out and not think at all. He pulled his coat tighter, hugging himself, when he realized that his face was damp. He was crying. He was mourning his loss. He was crying for Molly.

 

Caleb let himself sink onto his side and curled up on the ground, the smell of burnt wood and fresh snow in his nose, while more and more tears came streaming down his face.

 

“I am sorry, Mollymauk.”

 

**STAGE 5: Acceptance?**

 

Caleb had his hair pulled back in a ponytail so that it wasn't falling in his eyes. He also hoped that it made him look more elegant. Nervously he tried to adjust the collar of his dark blue robes a little, but Beauregard slapped his hand away and gave him a sweet and loving smile, while linking their arms together.

 

“If you want this to work, stop being so nervous!”, she scolded him under her breath, the smile never leaving her face. They had rehearsed this all day because neither of them had great social skills and they didn't have much time.

“You know with this face your smile doesn't look that weird.”, he replied, trying to smile back.

“Too stiff!”, Nott piped up next to them before Beau could snap back, “be more relaxed, Caleb. Smile more like this.” And she smiled baring two rows of teeth that were all over the place, giving her face a terrifying touch.

 

Caleb looked around anxiously, out of fear they could be spotted but there were no people around and they were hidden in the shadows of the mansion. “Okay. I think I got this, Nott.”

“Of course you do.”, Nott replied proudly and leaned towards Beauregard to whisper: “He is so smart.”

 

“Are we ready?”, Caleb asked nervously.

“Yes!”, Nott said. Caleb nodded and muttered a few arcane words and with a _plop_ Nott vanished.

“Okay.” Caleb took a deep breath. “Let's do this.”

He exchanged a worried look with his wife for an hour but she just rolled her eyes, smile still plastered on her face.

 

“God dammit, Caleb. Let's go. My face hurts from smiling.”

She pulled him towards the entrance door. He glanced inside and his heart skipped a beat. Those sure were a lot of people. His social anxiety gave him a million reasons why this was a bad idea, but as if Nott had read his thoughts, an invisible force grabbed them by their elbows and gave them both a squeeze.

“For Molly.”, she whispered.

“For Molly.”, they both repeated in unison.

 

It had been 8 days since Molly had died but they wouldn't just accept his death. They couldn't.

 

Two days ago they had returned to Zadash, found a Cleric who was willing to help them. They had all the things they needed at the ready apart from one. And when they entered the mansion Caleb already had laid his eyes on it.

 

They had invited themselves through a little trickery to a dinner party which was being hosted by one of the richest ladies in Zadash. This lady was known for her fine and expensive taste, and for her diamond necklace, worth a thousand Gold Pieces.

 

And tonight they were going to steal it, resurrect Molly, get their family back and kick Lorenzo's ass.

 

“For Mollymauk.” Caleb muttered again and put on his best smile.

 


End file.
